It is cruel, strange, and daring, but life has its own way of figuring itself out. As much as we try to control each decision and every outcome𑁋life ultimately is in full control. As we proceed on this developmental path, we generate hopes and dreams that eventually guide us into making these decisions. Regardless of which trail we take, life doesn't seem to hesitate in making it even more challenging. Each person has their own way of coping with life, and everyone is influenced in different ways. As human beings, we aspire to fit into this world as best we can.
There is no handbook
When we're born, we aren't given a guide that walks us through the game called life; and if there were one, there wouldn't be enough time in our existence to read the presumably monstrous book. Instead, each person is handed their own individual deck of cards, and we just sort of play the game as we go. There are all sorts of tribulations people go through in life to find their way, and often it's a battle within ourselves. In society, a lot of us are taught to act and talk a certain way. Women are told, "a lady doesn't say that," or "a woman shouldn't be wearing those sorts of things." And men hear phrases such as, "a man doesn't cry," or "men wear the pants in a relationship." Regardless of if someone agrees with these statements, it can be discouraging hearing them. We all are merely trying to navigate through life, and then people come along and add these "rules," which makes it that much more challenging.
Growing up in a judgemental society can be extremely harmful to so many people.
Every day we see faces on billboards and watch people on TV, and subconsciously we compare ourselves and our lives with theirs. A female author named Jia Tolentino wrote an article titled, Athleisure, barre, and kale: the tyranny of the ideal woman. In this particular piece, Tolentino talks about being an "ideal" woman, what that may look like, and how that mindset (of being exemplary) can dismantle our brains. She states, "The ideal woman looks beautiful, happy, carefree, and perfectly competent. Is she really?" (Tolentino, Jia. “Athleisure, Barre and Kale: the Tyranny of the Ideal Woman) Even the role models we look up to in society aren't perfect, and no matter how perfect they may seem. Tolentino explains that even the people we look up to in a society have their trials and complications. At the end of the day, they also don't even have a pamphlet on getting through life carefree.
So what happens when life doesn't go perfectly? What do we do about it?
As mentioned earlier, life doesn't hesitate to give us whiplash from all the unexpected turns. It's easy to become overwhelmed and stressed over these things, especially when we have no control over them. The outside world, the world we aren't able to control, can make it extremely difficult to focus on what's necessary; what truly matters. Again, that begs the question, "What do we do about it?" In an article titled, How to do Nothing, the author, Jenny Odell, talks about how we can quickly become consumed with what's going on around us, and we can forget about what's important. Odell discusses how she would go to a nearby park to get away from the busy world and focus on herself. She states, "what I would do there is Nothing. I'd just sit there. And although I felt a bit guilty about how incongruous it seemed — beautiful garden versus terrifying world — it really did feel necessary, like a survival tactic." (Odell, Jenny. “How to Do Nothing.”) Odell believes that getting away and doing "nothing" is essential. So what is "nothing?" It varies from person to person; there's no handbook remember? To Odell, "nothing" is sitting in a park or garden, but to another person, it could mean reading a book, watching a movie, or spending time friends. Doing "nothing" simply means getting away from the toxicity in the world, focusing on yourself, and learning how to take a break from our hectic lives. No matter how much we think we can control everything, we can't. Instead, we can learn to control how we react.
We just want to fit in...
As human beings, we want to fit in; to most people, it's almost a must. In a world where we can be anything… we all want to be like each other. In psychology, this is called Belongingness. It's the idea that people need to feel connected in order to feel accepted or supported by another person or group. Going back to Jia Tolentino and her article titled Athleisure, barre, and kale: the tyranny of the ideal woman, Jia states, "trying to immunize myself with apathy and pleasure-seeking throughout the long stretch of time when girls, overwhelmed by sudden expectations of beauty, transmit anorexia and bulimia to one another like a virus." This is a perfect example of ways people, especially teenagers and young adults, try to "fit in." They become so consumed with comparing themselves to other people that they quite literally end up slowly killing themselves. It's a hard truth to face, but not many people fully understand to which extremes someone would go to "belong." Furthermore, Tolentino writes, "the specter of stagnation hung heavy over my existence. I missed, suddenly, the part of me that thrilled to sharpness, harshness, discipline. I had been directing these instincts at my mind, hiding them from my body, but why?" In saying this, Tolentino explains this moment of self-discovery. She realized that yoga isn't what she craves. At that moment, she decided that she would do what made her happy, which is adrenaline, a rush, and thrill. Everyone is their own person; no one can tell you what makes you feel calm or what makes you feel at home or comfortable. Instead, we can gather advice from others and learn of the many different perspectives in the world.
An author by the name of Sally Rooney also felt the need to fit in. Rooney had a passion for debate. She knew she was good at it and knew she would be able to make friends this way. Throughout her debate career, Rooney was continually learning new things. However, later on, she realized she was doing it all for the wrong reasons. In the article titled, Even if you beat me, Rooney stated, "I don't think I will ever again want something so meaningless so much." (Rooney, Sally. “Even If You Beat Me.”) She wasn't learning to grow but rather to be better than the person across the stage; she did it to win. We shouldn't try to better ourselves because we want to be better than the next in line, because who's to say what that person is doing is right? That person doesn't have a life guide either. The only person we should compete with is ourselves. Try to be a better person than you were yesterday.
So to answer the question in the title of this article, no one knows. No one knows how to play life perfectly. So instead of trying to conform to one idea, thought, or behavior, create your own. No one has a book on how to "do life." So why copy what he says? Why look the same way she looks? Why act the way they act? Eventually, we will learn what works for us. Doing "nothing" like Jenny Odell might work for you, or listening to what Jia Tolentino says about beauty might stick with you, or finding a passion and growing from it, as Sally Rooney did, might benefit you. Follow your own path; learn from your mistakes, and you’ll build a life that fits perfectly for you.
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Thank you for reading!
Here are the links for the articles mentioned:
Athleisure, barre and kale: the tyranny of the ideal woman by Jia Tolentino - https://www.theguardian.com/news/2019/aug/02/athleisure-barre-kale-tyranny-ideal-woman-labour
How to do nothing by Jenny Odell- https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/sep/27/jenny-odell-on-why-we-need-to-learn-to-do-nothing-its-a-reminder-that-youre-alive
Even if you beat me by Sally Rooney - https://thedublinreview.com/article/even-if-you-beat-me/